the recipe blog is dead. for now. okay. for now.

i cant decide if i hate looking like transvestite or i hate the poses he made us pose in the photo shoot  wither way it is not good.

i shan't complain about work and how much i try to evade work. i have to be professional. happy that i calmed a patient down today. it is either he has bipolar or i am really good at negotiation.

i need to remind myself what to do for our wedding. now it is stagnant. wedding preparations are supposed to be fun no? you wouldn't want to hear about this anyway. shall not say anymore.

CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY. i am not a cookie fan, not a "york khon" fan, not mandarin orange fan, not much a fan of things people crave during new year. so why is it that CNY still stays so mysteriously attractive? must be the holiday. teehee.

of stuffs lately

i have so much to talk about i don't even know where to start from.

elephants. i will vow to not pay for any recreation elephant services, be it elephant rides or elephant drawings and whatnots. because you never know what the elephants went through (read: torture) before made to provide services to the unbeknownst tourists. heck, the elephant might be pregnant and the elephant rides could silently kill the offspring. it happens!

lyrics. i should try to memorise lyrics more. it might help with early alzheimer's disease. not saying i have alzheimer's though.

today is packed with most socializing i have done in the past i-don't-know-how-long. sometimes i still regret for not spending enough time with my friends.

i miss europe.

i am telling myself to stop complaining about work to just about everyone who asks me "how is work". it happens very often. i shall work and shut my mouth about it.

pre-marrital stress? what marriage? what stress? I have better things to worry about. like how to make sam happy. you shall not spoil my day by making me worry about how little i am doing about my wedding. heck it is still so far away.

i want to be rich. who doesn't? but can i be rich with the least effort? thou shall not preach about the impossible to me. and impossible is so widely defined by me.

maybe tomorrow i shall be artsy-fartsy. or maybe tomorrow i will play kampung girl? let's see how the gown-fitting-sales-person acts.

oh so much to do, so much to see, so what's wrong with taking the backseats? look. great. i am starting to incorporate lyrics into my daily conversation. so brilliant like those cool bloggers. meh. i am so pathetic. oh, sam, please be home early so we can facetime and i shall not waste more time in this internet world.

"After the ROM, it heightens my sense of belonging of you.. It feels like by then you belong to me more.. " I can't believe that silly man is still able to say such thing after 9years together... :-)

Unexpected sweetest thing ever

Out of sudden,

 Me:you know what, we can save so much without a child, right? it would be nice. But will you mind if we have no kids? it will be so much easier and great, right?(thinking he would at least hesitate or wouldn't give me an answer because I asked out of a sudden or worse, he will totally sound me for being mad or something)

 Him (instantaneously):it's ok.I don't mind.

 Me (puzzled n in disbelief): really? You really won't mind if I don't give birth? Why?

 Him:I won't. because I have you.

 Me (at brink of tears): What?

 Him: Because I have you already.

I have the best husband (to be) *in tears*

i wonder what will happen if i get pregnant. i look at pictures of friends slowly stepping into motherhood and honestly it freaks me out. i am the sort of people who pushes all out when i work (albeit the complaining) and i like staying up late and get mad all the time, which all equates to bad environment the baby will have to live in for 9 months.

being temperamental does not help too. i am not abusive but i am definitely not "i love my kids to death" type of mother. i am fine with almost everything provided i get my sleep when i need it. kids remind me of the screaming and crying that i know i am 100% not prepared for. i shrugged when i see annoying, loud children around the pharmacy counter and wonder why their parents allow them to loam freely without supervision. on bad days, i silently curse their parents and i wish the children would just shut up and get lost. urgh. not one ounce of motherly gene in me.

i sound like i do not want kids but the fact is i want babies. maybe not now though. i just hope that one day, i will transform into a mother who adores her child/children and is willing to sacrifice for them. however, i will make sure i do not gloat about my child/children all the time and force people to acknowledge (or tell white lies about) their cuteness. life is not just all about them.

talk so much, nanti sendiri kena curse. sial. do more good things so get better karma then my children will not come to make my life a living hell. may all beings be well and healthy.

if you're wondering why there are many posts, out of a sudden. well, those are the drafts that sat silently in the post options over years. last i saw was one from 2009.

am writing back again because it reminds me of how i wanted a space to voice out. from wanting to speak out silently (how ironic) to attention seeking phase and the die down. now i'm back again.

i don't know if anyone would be reading this. but heck, if you are, you are probably one of my very few good friends. 

i am getting hitched! and has changed working environment thrice (or twice considering i am working in my original place now) albeit sticking to the same job scope. I am probably going to get sick of doing the same thing for almost three years in a row but am still coping now. glad to find that some days, i still beam from getting compliments from patients. although sad to say, most days i am demotivated by demanding and rude patients and egoistical doctors.

back to getting hitched! i am getting married, legally. which is still a weird notion because i am so comfortable with the current zone. when should i start calling him, my husband and his parents, my parents? when should i start addressing him differently in front of others? this is the other stage of life i have always wonder about. and now it has come. 

i will definitely bitch about the hectic schedule that accompanies the wedding but not here. not here. or perhaps. those are private details. oh, because now that i'm more private than i used to be. hah.

to others, signing the papers might not mean a lot to them. because they have an agenda behind the step. but i am signing the paper because we are in love, despite the mushiness, i cannot refrain from saying it. we are, in love. and i hope it stays that way. i think we can make it, provided that i continue my pursuit of self anger management.

am working tomorrow. not sure if i'm up to it. night shift. i used to love it. now i kind of dread it. it takes toll on my skin. i am no longer young. am never very beautiful. so i need better skin to up the market price, if you know what i mean. hmm, or maybe i don't need the market price boost anymore. what say you, PK?

i cannot say i am comfortable with my current situation (not talking about my love relationship). still struggling. do not like the struggling part but am definitely more adult-like now. even my siblings are. i hope in one or two years to come, things will settle down with a fine note. a better life for both my parents. 

great. i need to sleep now. i still chuckle, amidst reading my older posts. she is so not me now.

to be more private and not to complain about work.

i've been sticking to that mantra for quite some time.

to iammeyieng.blogspot.com

who knows i'll be back here after a year (and more).

this is great. i am  great. my life is great (or so I would like to think)

i am in a very great state of mind.

perhaps, it has something to do with having a week break from work. am getting the rest i think i deserve.

do not get me wrong, i like my work now. i should not be complaining, 'cept that petrol consumption by the car is too much, it's a bitch.

i think my family is doing alright. everyone has got some objectives (or so it appears).
i have a boyfriend whom i am still in love with very much despite him being very smelly.
i have a job which provides amply.
i have got great colleagues (i think)
i have got a trusty ol' Proton to bring me to work and have yet to cause me trouble (except for this one time i left the car key in the car, with the door locked). CHOI! don't want to jinx it.
i have bigger plan in life than i ever thought would come up at this stage of life (still a plan but nevertheless underway)

well, in an effort to remain mysterious, i decide not to post this up here. muahahaha.

if i could cry now, i would.

but it does not feed my ego.

neither will it helps you.

i shall be strong for you.

perhaps i should just go complain to my pillow and shout into it.

all work up til sunday then exam on monday then work again after the exam.

i wonder if they know if they should give us a break.

i remember telling myself that i will not complain about my work online so, i will not :)

i counselled a boy on two easyhalers today and he is very cute.

i know how difficult it is to muster courage to read your own results.
it all comes down to luck.
it's over now. enough with playing games with lady luck. it's over now.
thanks.

it is late night now.
i should sleep.
he is sleeping.
he was mumbling something amidst his sleep.
then i heard profanities. and wat glass wat rice cooker.
i turned away from the laptop to him and asked what did he say.
he chuckled with his eyes shut.
and went back to sleep or perhaps he was asleep all these while.
funny.

i was reading the entries from my previous blog.
i was funnier.
i was happier.
my life was great.
there weren't much bitching.
i guess everyone has to grow up.

you wanna know how pathetic i am?

i will tell you how pathetic i am.

i made a big fuss last night and had a row with PK. i am of low form, damnit. and then he checked the clock to see if it was 12 a.m. it was. then he hugged me and said happy 63rd.

i am also pathetic because i am not courageous enough to storm out of the room and brave through the unfamiliar german streets alone.

besides, i also wake up and go straight to the computer and sit in front of it until i am satisfied no one is updating FB.

all the movies are watched and ...

you know what. i am stopping.

you go listen to this.



and then read this.

maybe, like me, you will feel better after laughing it out.

of going off slowly

the last one is the best, if you listen carefully to the lyrics.

of coming to an end, maybe?

most of what i wrote i saved them in the draft folder, unpublished.

i think maybe it is time, to finally close the blog down.

you get a feeling that people pry at your life a bit when you write openly.

and then you have to jaga the muka of these people, and the feelings of those people.

it is tiring.

but who knows, perhaps, just perhaps, tomorrow i would change my mind.

i will leave it so for the time being.

meanwhile, enjoy this



and this.